I’ve tried so so hard to fix my relationship with my dad but I reach out to him and every time he makes some huge fuck up where he denies the legitimacy of my experiences and my pain. This has happened more times than I can count. It’s a cycle where I forget how he has hurt me and try to fix things, things seem okay, and then he fucks me over again. All to repeat after enough time has passed and I regain a shred of hope about our relationship getting better.
I just… Am so angry and so disappointed. And I’m not even angry at him, as much as I’m angry at myself for keeping regaining hope that he can change and get better. I truly understand why the last thing at the bottom of Pandora box was hope. It wasn’t to give people hope, but to give contrast to the horrors released, and keep people engaged with the toxic promise of change.